"They're not 'females,' they're women." - Steps men can take to help prevent violence against women
By: Joseph Burns
On December 6th we observe the National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women. We memorialize the victims of the mass shooting at École Polytechnique on December 6, 1989: Geneviève Bergeron, Hélène Colgan, Nathalie Croteau, Barbara Daigneault, Anne-Marie Edward, Maud Haviernick, Barbara Klucznik, Maryse Laganière, Maryse Leclair, Anne-Marie Lemay, Sonia Pelletier, Michèle Richard, Anne St-Arneault, and Annie Turcotte [1]. These women were murdered simply because they were women. In the perpetrator’s own words, he was “fighting feminism” [2].
We take this time to remember the victims of this attack and to commit ourselves to action. This year, I want to speak to my fellow men about the things we can do to be good allies to women.
When we reflect on the horrific events of December 6, 1989, it’s important to think about where we are today. We want to believe that we’ve made strides as a society and learned important lessons. This may seem true, at first, if we don’t consider the recent assaults on women’s rights in Iran and the United States. But when we think about the gains of feminism and how they’ve changed the career opportunities and social positions of women in Canada, we may be tempted to rest on our laurels. Things are better now, aren’t they?
The reality is that large-scale acts of violence against women continue to happen in Canada today, often erupting from online communities dedicated to misogyny [3]. One such group calls themselves “incels,” a word derived from “involuntary celibate” [3]. These are men who say they are unable to have sex despite their desire to do so, and that women are to blame for their circumstances.
In April of 2018, a man drove a rented van down a crowed sidewalk in North York, Ontario, deliberately striking pedestrians, killing 11 people and injuring 15 [4, 5]. It was evident right away that he was mostly targeting women, and in an online manifesto he identified himself as part of the “Incel Rebellion” [6]. He praised an American mass murderer who, in 2014, killed 7 people and injured 14 in order to, by his account, “punish all females for the crime of denying [him] sex” [6]. Describing the 2018 van attack as “inspiration,” a self-described incel entered the Crown Spa in Toronto in February of 2020 and murdered 24-year-old Ashley Noell Arzaga using a sword inscribed with a misogynistic name [7].
On the surface, people identifying as incels seem to be lonely and unconfident men who are frustrated with their lack of romantic and sexual experience. Dig a little deeper, though, and you start to sense a barely contained hatred for women and a sense of entitlement to power over them. For one thing, their widespread disdain for sexually experienced women and for sex workers [3] doesn’t seem consistent with a simple desire for sex, does it? The Southern Poverty Law Center, a non-profit organization specializing in research on hate groups, places misogyny at the core of the incel identity [6]:
In other words, for incels, it’s not just about sex. It’s about the women supposedly withholding it… The hatred these men feel stems — crucially — not from their belief that they’re entitled to sex, but from their belief that women are required to give it to them. When women don’t, incels weaponize their hate. — Southern Poverty Law Center, May 4, 2018
And how do incels find each other? The main avenue is, of course, the internet. If you start up a fresh social media account and interact with content intended for men, you’ll see just how quickly misogynistic “manosphere” [8] content starts showing up in men’s suggestions. In August of this year, the Observer, a sister paper of The Guardian, conducted an experiment in which they set up a new TikTok account posing as a fictional 18-year-old man. After interacting with just a few innocuous videos intended for men, without “liking” any content or performing any searches, the account started receiving suggested videos featuring infamous misogynist Andrew Tate. After watching two such videos, another one of his videos showed up in the suggestions in which he explicitly expressed misogynistic views. The account’s inbox proceeded to fill with videos featuring Andrew Tate and fellow conservative misogynist, Jordan Peterson [9]. Combined with algorithms like this, the scale and anonymity of the internet make it uniquely powerful in connecting people who hold dangerous and regressive views. If nothing else, this is a problem we didn’t have in 1989.
If you’re a man on the internet, then you probably know this already. So, what can we do? We can’t take every incel community offline and we can’t single-handedly change social media algorithms. What we can do is demonstrate respect for women in our conversations with other men and maintain safe relationships with women in our lives so that they’re able to ask us for support.
Despite their ongoing discussions about women, members of the incel community are strangely evasive of the word “women.” Instead, they use “females” or the even more dehumanizing “femoids,” a combination of “female” and “humanoids,” [6] the latter meaning, of course, something that is human-like in shape but not truly human. To frame women as less than human is a disturbing leap: it’s much easier to demonize someone that you’re convinced isn’t really human. Posting screeds against their agency and their right to choose a desirable partner becomes easier, too. You may convince yourself that all your problems are caused by these “others,” and that something needs to be done about all the evil they’re doing to you.
As men, we can help women in the face of this dehumanization. We can start by making sure our own language is mindful and respectful. Refer to your women friends and colleagues as just that: women. If you’re a newly minted adult, this might feel weird at first. You’re used to saying “girls,” but when you’re referring to other adults like yourself, say “women.” If your friends hear you doing this without flinching, and without making a joke of it, they may stop and think before using words like “females.” When we’re pulling against social media algorithms that push “manosphere” content, we need to be united in using humanizing language when we talk about women.
This extends into the sphere of jokes, too. It can be difficult to challenge friends on the things that they say, especially when they’re presented as jokes. You may feel like the best you can do is to say nothing at all — to avoid encouraging it. Unfortunately, people often misread silence as agreement. Instead, a simple “No, it’s not like that,” or “We don’t do that here,” can signal that you don’t agree without causing an argument. This might lead to an awkward moment, sure, but the person using sexist language is the one making things awkward, not you. Johnson and Smith recommend using the “two second rule,” i.e., saying something like “ouch!” right away to give yourself a couple seconds to come up with a response that highlights the issue with your friend’s remark [10]. Their article in Harvard Business Review lists more great examples of things you can say when another man says something sexist. When you deflect sexist jokes, you demonstrate your belief in the dignity of women.
Once you’ve made a habit of being mindful of your language (or if you feel you’re mindful already), what’s next? Another important facet of allyship is to make yourself a safe source of support for women. Remember that there are many forms of violence against women. In the context of intimate partner violence, allyship means being ready to listen and to support women when they make the difficult step of seeking support.
One of the biggest challenges that we ask of male allies is to believe that our friends could be abusers. We never want to think about our childhood friends, our gaming buddies, or our soccer teammates as someone who could abuse their partner. The reality is that abusive people are often very charming to everyone except for their victims* [11] — it’s all part of the construct that keeps their victim trapped. I’ve read many accounts by women in abusive relationships who described their partner as “the nicest person you’d ever meet” to everyone else in their lives. I’ve seen this description so many times in stories of abuse that it raises my hackles when I read it elsewhere. That “nicest person you’d ever meet” could be using you, too, to maintain the isolation of his partner. “No one would ever believe you,” he says.
Remember that 70% of domestic violence is never reported to authorities [12, 13], and that as many as 90% of abusers don’t have a criminal record.11 Women who have experienced violence often fear that reporting to authorities will make the situation worse or that the authorities will not believe them. A 2015 study found that among women who reported intimate partner violence to the Ottawa Police, 20% had to be encouraged or pressured by others to report it, and only 64% felt that the police officer believed them [14]. When I say you should be willing to believe that your friends could be abusers, this isn’t an indictment of the people you care about Instead, think of this as a reminder to keep your ears open and to make space for women to approach you for support.
Domestic violence survivor advocates Doris O’Neal and Da’Vonya Jackson recommend small, compassionate conversations to open the door if you’re worried that a woman may be experiencing violence. You can mention privately that you’ve noticed a change in her, like she’s become more withdrawn, and assure her that she can come talk to you whenever she needs to [15]. If you’ve been consistent with your respectful language and attitudes toward women, you’ll have demonstrated that you mean this, and she may make a disclosure to you.
Disclosures of intimate partner violence can be shocking to hear. Being aware of women’s resources in your area will help to equip you for this conversation: Canadian readers can find more information at the Canadian Association of Social Workers’ website16 and the Government of Canada’s website [17]. Above all, remember to keep her story confidential, because the most dangerous part of an abusive relationship is when the abused person decides to leave [18]. Be very, very careful about what you say until a woman is safely away from her abuser.
As we remember the victims of this terrible tragedy, I hope you’ll consider these simple, but critical actions we can take to prevent violence against women. Insist on respectful, humanizing language: if one of your friends falls into the gravity of the “manosphere,” he may yet be saved if he discovers that none of his friends say “femoids” or think dehumanizing women is funny. Make yourself a safe ally for the women in your lives: by maintaining kind, respectful relationships with the women we know, we can become safe sources of support when it’s needed most.
*There is debate about what terms should be used when talking about people who have experienced physical, psychological, and sexual violence. Many feminists argue that the term “victim” is disempowering and should be replaced by the term “survivor.” I have opted to use the term victim here because the medical, legal, and social institutions involved in addressing violence against women use the terms “victim” and not survivors. I understand victims of violence against women not as passive or disempowered, but active, resistant, and strong.
References:
[1] Government of Canada (2022, November 8). The National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women. https://women-gender-equality.canada.ca/en/commemorations-celebrations/16-days/national-day-remembrance.html (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[2] Sourour, T.K. (1991). Report of coroner's investigation. http://www.diarmani.com/Montreal_Coroners_Report.pdf (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[3] Tolentino, J. (2018, May 15). The rage of the incels. The New Yorker. https://www.newyorker.com/culture/cultural-comment/the-rage-of-the-incels (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[4] The Globe and Mail (2018, April 27). Toronto van attack: How you can help and what we know so far. https://www.theglobeandmail.com/canada/toronto/article-toronto-van-attack-what-we-know-so-far/ (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[5] Golding, J. (2021, November 4). 'It's so sad, heartbreaking': Nurse paralyzed after Toronto van attack dies. CTV News. https://toronto.ctvnews.ca/it-s-so-sad-heartbreaking-nurse-paralyzed-after-toronto-van-attack-dies-1.5652799 (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[6] Southern Poverty Law Center (2018, May 4). Weekend read: For incels, it’s not about sex. It’s about women. https://www.splcenter.org/news/2018/05/04/weekend-read-incels-its-not-about-sex-its-about-women (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[7] Nasser, S. (2022, September 16). Judge to decide if incel attack was act of terror as ex-CSIS analyst says law should be scrapped. CBC. https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/incel-toronto-spa-killer-1.6585706 (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[8] Aiston, J. (2021, October 4). What is the manosphere and why is it a concern? Internet Matters. https://www.internetmatters.org/hub/news-blogs/what-is-the-manosphere-and-why-is-it-a-concern/ (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[9] Das, S. (2022, August 6). How TikTok bombards young men with misogynistic videos. The Observer. https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2022/aug/06/revealed-how-tiktok-bombards-young-men-with-misogynistic-videos-andrew-tate (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[10] Johnson, B.W. and Smith, D.G. (2020, October 16). How men can confront other men about sexist behavior. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2020/10/how-men-can-confront-other-men-about-sexist-behavior (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[11] National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (n.d.). Signs of abuse. https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[12] Gurm, B. and Marchbank, J. (2020). Why survivors don’t report. In Gurm, B., Salgado, G., Marchbank, J., & Early, S. D. Making sense of a global pandemic: relationship violence & working together towards a violence free society. Kwantlen Polytechnic University: Surrey, BC. Available at: https://kpu.pressbooks.pub/nevr/chapter/why-do-survivors-not-report-to-police/ (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[13] Burczycka, M. and Ibrahim, D. (2016, January 21). Family violence in Canada: A statistical profile, 2014. Juristat. Statistics Canada Catalogue no. 85-002-X. Available at: https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/en/pub/85-002-x/2016001/article/14303-eng.pdf?st=UXDJJj4A (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[14] Johnson, H. (2015). Improving the police response to crimes of violence against women: Ottawa women have their say. University of Ottawa Faculty of Social Sciences. Available at: https://socialsciences.uottawa.ca/criminology/sites/socialsciences.uottawa.ca.criminology/files/h.johnson_research_summary.pdf (Accessed December 5, 2022).
[15] Bronson, E. (2020, October 20). How to be an ally to survivors of gender-based violence. YWCA. https://www.ywcaworks.org/blogs/firesteel/tue-10202020-0934/how-be-ally-survivors-gender-based-violence (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[16] Canadian Association of Social Workers (n.d.). Domestic violence resources. https://www.casw-acts.ca/en/resources/domestic-violence-resources (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[17] Government of Canada (2022, March 7). Get help with family violence. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/fv-vf/help-aide.html (Accessed November 27, 2022).
[ 18] Canadian Women’s Foundation (2022, June 1). The facts about gender-based violence. https://canadianwomen.org/the-facts/gender-based-violence/ (Accessed November 27, 2022).