When Depression Takes Over, Remember: Life Can Be Different
By: Kayla Jo Wells
This blog contains references to lived experience about suicide, suicidal ideation, and self-harm. Reader discretion is advised. Support resources are included at the end of this post for anyone who might need them.
Suicide is different from other behaviors in that, normally, things have to be done many, many times before they are considered a problem. For example, if you’ve had one drunken episode in your life, that doesn’t necessarily mean you are suffering from alcoholism. But suicide is a one-time behavior, and its presence has the most severe of any outcome – cessation of life. That also means it can be a difficult behavior to intervene in because there isn’t always a history of pre-existing behavior. Unless someone has had a previous suicide attempt, you can’t simply say that because someone hasn’t attempted suicide before, they won’t make an attempt in the future. Instead, we have to look for other risk factors that may lead to suicide, such as the following identified by Health Canada [1]:
Public Health Agency of Canada (2019)
Depression
Self-harm
Chronic pain or illness
Past trauma
Significant losses
Major life changes
By addressing potential risk factors for suicide, we can hopefully prevent it from ever occurring. It sounds simple, right? However, as a person who has been suicidal for most of my life, even I can’t predict how at risk I am for suicide. So if I don’t know this, how would anyone else know?
My depression started when I was 11, right along the onset of puberty. Before that, I’d considered myself a happy kid. I remember what it was like just being me and feeling “normal”, and then all of a sudden at 11 this feeling came over me. If you have never been depressed before, then the initial materialisation of depression can be extremely distressing. It crawled out of me, and then it was just there, infecting everything. My mind and body felt like it was infested by this feeling that had no obvious source. I didn’t know it was depression at the time. That’s not a word that had been used at home or in my school. So on top of feeling like I was being gripped by something violent pulling me down, I also felt extreme fear and panic. The best analogy I can give is imagine you are being attacked by a swarm of bees that you cannot see (and you live in a world where you’ve never heard of bees). You feel physical shooting pain everywhere and then your whole body swells up with poison, but you have no idea what’s happening to you and when, or if, it will stop. I felt utterly out of control and alone – for months. Then one day, lying on my floor with tears pooling out of my eyes for no discernable reason, I thought maybe the only way to get rid of this feeling was to cut it out of me, physically. That was the first time I ever engaged in self-harm, though certainly not the last. I assume most people think that self-harm is a strange behavior. From my experience, it was painful but in some ways comforting. Seeing a physical source for pain oftentimes would make me feel less out of control, because I could look at myself and say “It’s there! A reason for hurt!” That’s how it started.
As I progressed into my teens, my relationship with self-harm evolved. I learned about suicide and started to think about death, and about the escape it would provide. Death was something that would end my suffering – if I was dead, I wouldn’t feel the pain inside. I wouldn’t feel the despair, the isolation, the fear, the anxiety… I wouldn’t feel anything at all. I just wouldn’t be. The thought that there was a way out of this constant weight I was under was a relief, because I didn’t think there was any other way out. I am not sure if it’s like this for everyone, but to me the constant sensation of feeling out of control is what caused the most amount of suffering. The sadness I almost got used to. But the loss of self-agency, of feeling like I was being controlled by this malicious inner turmoil – that I couldn’t live with forever. It’s in that context that suicidal ideation gave me back some agency. I couldn’t control my life, but I could end it. That was my choice.
Fast forward a few years later and I make it in to university. Remember my Health Canada reference about how major life changes can be a risk factor for suicide? By this point in life I had overcome trauma, significant loss, and was now facing a major life change. University made my previous years of depression look like a breeze. Extreme stress can sometimes trigger other latent illnesses [2], so along with my depression I started experiencing extreme paranoia and the sensation that I was being followed all the time. I had fits of catatonia, exacerbated social phobia and anxiety, inexplicable muscle spasms, disjointed memories, and generalized confusion. The suicidal ideation became less of a comforting tool and more of a desperate need. I started looking at bridge overpasses, trying to calculate when I would need to jump in order to fall in front of an oncoming 16-wheeler. How fast does a vehicle have to be driving in order to kill me on impact? From what height would I have to fall? Which pills mixed with what household chemicals would guarantee I was rendered unconscious before succumbing to poison? Would it be better to lay outside in winter and freeze to death? Maybe I’d prefer to drown? I started taking notes, I wrote a will, I started saying goodbye to loved ones on the phone and meaning it.
I had moved from “passive” to “active” suicidal ideation [3].
Truthfully, I thought my story would end there because I didn’t think I would be around now to tell that story. What prevented me from joining the 4,000 Canadians who die by suicide each year [4]? A fluke, really.
Just before I planned to jump in front of traffic, I had a weird feeling – fear. This was different from the anxiety and paranoia driven fear I normally felt. This was … scared fear. While the thought of leaping in front of traffic had been comforting, the physical act of leaping was scary. I was afraid, and in that moment of fear I called 911. A very kind dispatcher stayed on the line with me while an ambulance was dispatched. I was picked up and taken to a hospital – HOSPITAL – for mental distress. I didn’t know that was an option. I thought hospitals were for sick or injured people. I never thought of myself as sick or injured, just broken and dysfunctional. But I wasn’t broken. I was ill. I needed help, I needed treatment. I would never think twice about asking for help if I had a fever or a broken leg. But I never thought to ask for help about my feelings. That fluke was the biggest turning point in my life, and it’s a large reason I am still here today.
We have come along way as a society regarding mental health and discussions about it. We still have a long way to go, but I am glad that the door to that conversation is starting to open. I think it’s important because for me, I never knew I could talk about it, or that there were reasons for it, and treatments for it. To bring it back to the Health Canada list about the risk factors for suicide, I think they are missing the biggest risk of all: not knowing that there is an alternative to suicide. I almost lost my life because I didn’t know my life could be different. And I want to be very clear for anyone who needs to hear it: life can be different.
The road to recovery is not easy, nor is it linear. I can’t tell you how many professionals I’ve seen, how many prescriptions I’ve tried, and how many lifestyle changes I have made before I found a regime that works for me. Even when I was getting better, I would still have lapses where I fell back down. If you’re about to start that process, or you’re going through that process, I won’t downplay your difficulty. But take comfort in knowing there are so many options and so many possibilities for a positive outcome. With suicide, there’s just one outcome. I think about that every time I consider giving up, and that thought gives me enough strength to keep going.
If you’re curious, most people today would consider me “normal” (the fools). My paranoia is gone, my depression is being managed, I FINALLY found the medication that works for me, and that out of control vicious inner turmoil? Now it feels more like bad weather. I can tell when it’s coming, I brace myself, and I let it pass over me. It leaves, and I remain standing. That is my choice, and I will never let my depression control that choice again.
Support Resources
Ottawa Region
Ottawa Distress Centre: (613) 238-3311
Mental Health Crisis Line: (613) 722-6914
Tel-Aide Outaouais: (613) 741-6433 (Ottawa) or (819) 775-3223 (Gatineau)
National
Talk Suicide: 1-866-277-3553 (Quebec), 1-833-456-4566 (All Other Provinces),
45645 (chat)Kids Help Phone (Youth Under 20): 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868
First Nations and Inuit Hope for Wellness Help Line: 1-855-242-3310 (telephone support) or live chat at https://www.hopeforwellness.ca
References
Health Canada. Suicide: Risks and Prevention. 2016. https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/suicide-prevention/suicide-risks-prevention.html
Bruce, D (phD). Depression's Link To 9 Other Mental Illnesses. April 2022. www.webmd.com/depression/guide/link-to-other-mental-illnesses
Harmer B, Lee S, Duong TVH, Saadabadi A. Suicidal Ideation. 2022 May 18. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2022 Jan–. PMID: 33351435.
Public Health Agency of Canada. Suicide Canada Key Statistics. 2020. www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/publications/healthy-living/suicide-canada-key-statistics-infographic.html