“You have memories to look back on today”: Social media and grieving suicide
Written By: Sarah MacLean
I have written previous posts for the Hatching Ideas Lab blog about losing my cousin to suicide in 2017. A lot of feelings and questions arise when you lose a loved one to suicide but one of the things I continue to struggle with is how to grieve and move on from this loss when I am constantly reminded that he is gone, either through his social media profiles, Facebook’s “memories” feature, or reminders about his birthday. Recently, I even received a notification from LinkedIn about his workplace anniversary. While you can readily find memorial posts on other social media platforms, such as Instagram and Snapchat, this post is going to focus on Facebook because I have the most direct experience with it in terms of public grieving. Similarly, its format makes it a common choice for those looking to memorialize a loved one and, as a result, it is the platform that has been the most thoroughly researched [1].
Sharing information through social media can be a quick and efficient way of reaching many people following the death of a loved one. For instance, it can be an effective avenue for sharing death notifications or obituaries and details about an upcoming funeral or celebration of life. It is also an important way to share memories about someone who has passed and seek support from others who are also mourning. In a 2021 U.S. survey, Beth L. Hoffman and her colleagues also found that some participants found comfort in their loved one’s old account in that they were able to revisit conversations, photographs, and other positive memories [2]. This was also supported by a 2010 study that found, following school shootings at both Virginia Tech in 2007 and Northern Illinois University in 2008, students sought support in Facebook groups where they could openly share their feelings [3].
In the days immediately following my cousin’s death, this was certainly true. It was heartwarming to see how many lives he had touched and to see people share stories about his life. However, as the weeks, months and years went on, I found those efforts to mourn my cousin’s death publicly interfered with my own grieving process. When someone would post something like “I can’t believe it’s already three/six/twelve months without you,” I would find myself back at the start, feeling like I had lost him all over again. This was echoed in the work of Hoffman et al., in which some participants reported challenges with finding out about a death on social media instead of personally, insincere messages from those who did not really know the deceased person, a lack of privacy for those who were grieving, constant reminders of death, and negative comments by others about the deceased [3]. Beyond this, in many ways, interacting with a loved one’s old account is a form of séance (although it is one-sided, you are literally in communication with the dead). While this can be beneficial to some, as discussed above, this is only the case if the person grieving understands that this bond is different from the relationship they had with the deceased when they were alive [4]. This can, otherwise, lead to complicated grief, in which feelings of loss are debilitating and do not improve with the passage of time.
So, what is the best way to manage death and grieving on Facebook? First, it is important to be aware of their policies and terms of use. When someone dies, one of the following will happen:
Figure 1. Example of memorialized Facebook profile. (2019). Facebook, https://about.fb.com/news/2019/04/updates-to-memorialization/
Nothing: Facebook must be notified that a person has died or else their account will remain active.
Their page becomes memorialized: Facebook users have the option of specifying a legacy contact who is a person who is authorized to manage their account in the event of their death. If a user does not specify a legacy contact before they die, a friend or relative can request that their profile be memorialized. When this happens, the word “Remembering” is added before their name on their profile (as in Figure 1). Once a user’s profile has been memorialized, friends can continue to post on their profile page and their previous content continues to be visible (according to their privacy settings). However, they no long appear in “public” Facebook spaces, including suggested “People You May Know” or birthday reminders.
Their page is deleted: Facebook users also have the option of requesting that their profile be permanently deleted in the event of their death. Similarly, their legacy contact can request that their page be permanently deleted. In the absence of a legacy contact, relatives or friends can request that a user’s profile be permanently deleted if they have the legal authority to do so (e.g., they have power of attorney or are specified in the deceased’s last will and testament). It is important to note that if a legacy contact has been selected, only they have the power to delete the user’s account.
Unofficial Workarounds: A friend may share their login information with you before their death. This way, you could access their profile and manage/delete it according to their wishes. However, this is a violation of Facebook’s terms of service. Similarly, Facebook will not give out the login information of a deceased user.
Second, become aware of what type of Facebook content might trigger you. In the case of my cousin, his Facebook account is still active. While I have never asked, I can only assume that members of my family get some comfort out of being able to continually revisit his profile. If you’re like me, and don’t want or have the authority to remove the account but would like to stop receiving reminders about the deceased, you can disable Facebook Memories and birthday reminders. However, note that this will disable these functions across for everyone in your friends list.
Losing a loved one is challenging and losing someone unexpectedly to suicide even more so. If you are struggling with feelings of grief, don’t be afraid to reach out to friends, family members, or professionals for help. If you find solace in connecting with people over social media, do whatever works for you. But it is also okay to disconnect for a while and feel your feelings privately if this is what you need.
Ottawa Helplines:
Ottawa Distress Centre: (613) 238-3311
Mental Health Crisis Line: (613) 722-6914
Tel-Aide Outaouais: (613) 741-6433 (Ottawa) or (819) 775-3223 (Gatineau)
If you live outside the Ottawa area, your region may offer similar services. Please reach out if you need someone to lean on.
References
[1] Surugue, L. (2019). The psychological effects of grieving on social media. Vice. https://www.vice.com/en/article/pan4gy/the-psychological-effects-of-grieving-on-social-media
[2] Hoffman, B. L., Shensa, A., Escobar-Viera, C.G., Sidani, J.E., Miller, E. & Primack, B.A. (2021). “Their page is still up”: Social media and coping with loss. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 26(5), 451-468. https://doi.org/10.1080/15325024.2020.1820227.
[3] Vicary, A.M. & Fraley, R.C. (2010). Student reactions to the shootings at Virginia Tech and Northern Illinois University: Does sharing grief and support over the internet affect recovery? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(11), 1555-1563. https://doi.org/10.1177%2F0146167210384880.
[4] Rosetto, K.R., Lannutti, P.J. & Strauman, E.C. (2015). Death on Facebook: Examining the roles of social media communication for the bereaved. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(7), 974-994. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514555272.